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[secondconflict]

« eurodyne » TEXT ✧ AUDIO ✧ VIDEO ✧ ACTION Kerry Eurodyne ✦ Cyberpunk 2077
RESIDENCE ✦ With Nomad!V
GEMBOND ✦ Ruby

Music always gets hammered down to the Three A's.
Axe, Attitude, and Audience. Me, I had an Axe and an Attitude.
All I had to do was get the third one.

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[disrupts]

Yeah. Johnny found me in some abandoned warehouse. Chip's back in my head... I just...

[ He doesn't know what to do about everybody he's hurt, and all the damage he caused. What he needs is sleep, desperately, but there's too much to think about. ]

I'm sorry I hurt you. I hate it, hate this. Knowin' how scared you musta been.

[secondconflict]

I'm coming home.

Don't go anywhere.

[disrupts]

[ Whenever Kerry shows up, he'll find V at the side of the bed, but by this point he's just sat on the floor. He's too tired to sit up without some kind of support at his back.

And yeah, he looks as pathetic as he sounded. ]

[secondconflict]

[When Kerry comes into the room he smells like pot, or whatever this world has that is close to it. He sighs and sets his guitar case down before moving closer.]

Well, you look like shit...

[disrupts]

[ It might seem like V starts crying because of what Kerry said, but the reality is that he's so fucking glad to see the man, and that combined with how deep his guilt runs is too much to handle. It's only been a couple of hours since Johnny shoved the chip back in his head. But with it came all the memories he was missing before, post-Mikoshi, and on top of that, all the memories from the past two weeks with the added benefit of empathy to understand what he's done. ]

[secondconflict]

[Kerry moves quickly then to sit next to V and hold out his arm for V to move closer. He wants V to know that he really is here and will comfort V as much as he can.]

Come here.

[disrupts]

[ The invitation to move in closer is met with brief hesitation, like V's really having to think about if this is actually okay. Does Kerry want to do this? Or does he feel like he has to? Is he still scared?

Eventually he just doesn't have the willpower to not bury his face into Kerry's shoulder, arm reaching over to haphazardly wrap around his neck. And unlike last time, everything that contributes to Synchrony is there, where it should be. It's overwhelming, warmth filling places that had until now felt so hollow and cold. ]

[secondconflict]

[The tension that Kerry's holding in his chest releases as he can feel V again. Now he can focus on worry and healing, instead of being scared that V will snap and hurt people. He breathes in V's scent and then turns his neck to kiss the side of V's head.]

There you are.

[disrupts]

I hurt so many people.

[ It's murmured into the fabric of Kerry's shirt, a guilty confession that's probably not all that much of a surprise at all. Where they are on the floor, V doesn't think he's even got it in him to get up. Everything's caught up to him; what he said, what he did, who he hurt. ]

I hurt you. Ker, 'm so sorry. I'm so fuckin' sorry.

[secondconflict]

[Kerry just sits with V and lets him speak. He does reach up to rub V's back to show him that he's here and he isn't angry.

All he really feels is worry.]

You weren't in yer right mind.

[disrupts]

Doesn't matter. Still happened.

[ This is the part that V's struggling with the most. The memories are his; he knows they are. He just doesn't recognize a single part of them as things he'd ever want to do. And who paid the price? The people he cares about the most. ]

Just 'cause I never would've done any of it if I hadn't had the chip klepped outta my head... it still happened. You still got those memories in your head. I already caused that trauma.

[secondconflict]

You don't even get close to the reward for the most shitty of my inputs, V. Don't worry 'bout me, okay? Let me worry 'bout you instead.

[disrupts]

'course I worry 'bout ya.

[ He's always thought of himself as Kerry's defender. A wall between him and whatever and whoever the fuck's out there that doesn't wish him well. But now? He can't stop thinking about what if's. What if it happens again? What if something worse happens? What if he can't control himself and the one person he really needs to defend Kerry from is himself? ]

And nothin' is gonna make me stop short'a... [ Well, what happened. He trails off and doesn't say the obvious end to that sentence. ]

[secondconflict]

I know... [Kerry mutters softly. He kisses V's head again.]

Babe, I can feel how worn down ya are. Let's get into bed, 'lright? I'll use some of my world-class cuddlin' skills until we both pass the fuck out.

[disrupts]

I gotta... no, I gotta apologize. To everybody I hurt.

[ It's not exactly realistic. Outside of the people he actually knows personally, there's countless people he fought in the various bars and clubs in the Ruby Underground. And he really sounds exhausted, bordering on sounding drunk with how tired he is. ]

Vincent's not even readin' my messages. I fuckin' hit 'im. Told 'im he was jus' like everybody else.

[secondconflict]

[Kerry winces at that idea. He's come to adore Vincent too, even without all of the memories of a V with his face.]

Okay... Well, with that one I'll help ya. Talk to him first?

[disrupts]

[ Gaze dropping to the floor as he finally sits back, side of the bed against his shoulder blades, he shakes his head slowly. He knows he's got to approach this himself. If Vincent doesn't want to talk to him, he's not going to complicate things by pulling Ker into the middle of it all too. It wouldn't be fair to either Ker or Vincent. ]

Thanks, but... you know I gotta talk to 'im myself.

'm such a fuckin' gonk.

[secondconflict]

What 'xactly happened? I know it comes down to the chip but... What the fuck went wrong with it?

[disrupts]

[ It's a fair question, V knows it is. Kerry deserves to know, it's just all still raw. Without knowing the context of why he'd felt so full of fear, today's the first day he's had a chance to start processing what's actually happened. Fingers reaching out, he snags Kerry's hand and pulls it into his lap. Easier to look at it instead of having to look up. ]

Night I went out with Vincent 'n V... for our birthday...

Prob'ly drank more than I should've. [ Playing with one of the rings on Kerry's fingers to distract himself, his jaw tightens a little at the memory. ] I left 'em at the bar 'cause I wanted to come find ya. [ He very clearly remembers thinking about eating cake off of Kerry while he was walking back. ] 'cept I got jumped 'fore I even left the Ruby Underground. Turns out some gangers found out the chip's got some value to it. A lot of value to it. And considerin' how fucked I was, guess I was the easiest target that night.

[ Frowning, he can't help but relive the moment he realized what the gangers had him pinned on the ground for. What they were planning on doing. ]

I was screamin' at 'em not to do it 'til they shut me up. All I knew was if they took it, I'd be done. Dead. Gone. Wasn't gonna see ya, not anybody, again. I was buzzed, too buzzed to take that many of 'em on. So they took it outta my head, left me in some alley. I don't know. Johnny said there's security footage of it. Don't think I wanna see it.

What showed up here few days after that was me. Just... me 'thout a neural network that worked like it did before. It broke somethin'. Ker, I barely felt anythin' when I saw ya last. It just didn't... I couldn't get to it. Didn't even know somethin' was missin'. All I could feel was this... rage 'bout somethin'. And scared. Fuckin' scared o' somethin' followin' me. I was so fuckin' convinced you were all against me. It felt so real.

[secondconflict]

Shit...

[The idea of V being so lost was heartbreaking. Kerry also felt guilt for being so wrapped up in his own fear to be of any real help. At least Johnny had been able to get V back to himself.

It really does sound like something close to cyberpsychosis too, which means the chip is once again fucking over V's life.]

Is it weird that I fuckin' hate that thing in your head, even though without it we wouldn't have met? Can't imagine my life without you now, but still wish you never cause to stick that fuckin' thing inside of your skull.

[disrupts]

[ V understands the sentiment deeply. He hates the chip with every fiber of his being, even moreso now. But at the same time, without it he'd never have met Johnny. And without Johnny being the connecting piece, he'd never have met Kerry.

It's fucked up, is what it is. But beside that, he's able to appreciate Kerry's view. Mostly, that Kerry loves him so much he'd rather they hadn't met if it'd given him a shot at not having his life fucked up this much by the relic. Exhaling a sigh, he closes both hands around Kerry's still in his lap and squeezes gently. ]

There's so many ways it coulda worked out different. But it didn't. Don't got a choice except to work with what I got, chip 'n all. 'm lucky that I got all that I do. Can't imagine tryin' to live 'thout ya.

[ He knew that before, but now that he's got the memories back of all those days and nights Kerry was with him, of all the things Kerry tried to make an avenue of possibility to find some kind of cure for him. ]

When Johnny put the chip back in, I jus' switched off. Everythin' just... powered down. When I woke up again I remembered all the things after Mikoshi. Musta reorganized shit in my head, I don't know. But I remember you, 'n everythin' you did tryin' to help me. The days I felt so sick I couldn't get outta bed. Watchin' shit on the couch with you. The balcony, 'fore I left for the Crystal Palace.

When I asked ya to make me rice, last time I saw ya here... I don't know if that was some subconscious way I was tryin' to find somethin' that'd comfort me. Maybe. My brain was fucked, 'cept all I wanted was that rice. And now I realize you used to make it for me, back home.

[secondconflict]

[Kerry's whole heart aches at hearing this. He had been wanting V to remember their life so deeply that finding out that he has is a huge relief, but the way he regained those memories is so miserable and fucked.

It's just like the chip and their relationship. Something beautiful out of something horrifying. He sighs and realizes he'll have to figure out how to cope with that later.

Maybe even much later.]

You know, when I touched ya and all I felt was nothin'... I was so fucking scared. I kept thinkin' about stories of folks who go crazy and kill their families, but also about how most o' 'em end up in the morgue. I kept thinking, what if I told someone and they thought the only way to deal with ya was to put you down.

[disrupts]

Ker...

[ Breath hitching with the emotion that wells up inside him, emotion that's been missing for too fucking long, V's expression crumples. This is one of the hardest conversations he's ever had to have. To know that he scared his mainline that much, that he isolated him into silence. ]

I don't wanna die. 'm not done yet. But... if there's no other way, the second I'm an out of control danger to anybody else I need to be put down. 'd rather be dead than hurt ya, or anybody else.

[secondconflict]

Yeah, I know that. That's why I didn't tell the other two yous 'bout it.

[He couldn't trust that they wouldn't jump to killing his V.]

I'm selfish. I'd rather you still be alive.

[disrupts]

[ Back in their version of the world, all the gigs from Regina he got were dealt with delicately. Seemed fucked up to be zeroing cyberpsychos when not only was there a chance they might be able to recover, but because along the way he learned about some of the shit those people'd been put through. So he'd opted to knock them out instead, wait for them to be extracted by Regina's people. Maybe he'd been too optimistic clinging on to the idea that there was salvation for these people, somehow.

Now, though. Fuck, now he's wondering how those people feel. Knowing what they did, how much damage they caused, how many people they'd killed. And while it might not've been their fault, he's not sure that would've made a difference to them either. It's a stark, raw kind of feeling way after the fact. ]

Even if I couldn't live with myself after?