secondconflict | IC Contact for noctiumrp

[When the message comes through, Kerry tries to ignore it at first. He doesn't want to reopen those emotions. His response to this sort of thing has always been to shut down. But the guilt ends up getting the better of him and after about half an hour he finally checks the message.

It takes another half hour for him to respond. When he does, it's not with his voice, but a text message.]

What are you doing, V?

[ If Kerry doesn't want to talk, V gets it. He wouldn't want to talk to him either considering how fucked up he behaved last time they saw each other. The hour between those messages is spent in the exact same position, just sat uncomfortably on the side of the bed trying to keep himself awake. His head drops more than once as exhaustion threatens to tug him unconscious, but he's still awake when the message arrives. ]

Tryin' to apologize. Badly. I know an apology's not gonna make it right. I just...

You okay? Guess ya haven't been back to the house?

Apologize for what?

For treatin' you like shit.

[ It's a confusing question that catches him off-guard for a couple of quiet seconds. ]

I'm sorry you had to deal with any of it. I...

'm sorry for all of it.

I need you to prove you aren't a fucking cyberpsycho, V. Spell it out for me. What did you do that was so fucked to warrant an apology?

[ If he wasn't fully awake before he certainly is now, jolted into awakeness by an unpleasant, dark realization. ]

...you thought I was a cyberpsycho?

I don't know what to think.

The whole time you thought I... when I asked ya for--

You let me fuck your mouth when you thought I'd lost my mind?

[ Up until this point, V'd been apologizing for behaving the way he did because it was bad enough he'd asked for food, had told Kerry plainly he didn't need anybody else. Bad enough that he'd asked for a blowjob and given nothing in return, not even the basic fucking courtesy of acknowledging it was Kerry even doing that for him.

But now? Now his brain's putting puzzle pieces together.

Jesus. How bad he felt before doesn't compare to how bad he feels now. Guilt's all he's got. ]

Ker... fuck. I didn't... everythin' I said to you, did to you... you thought I was a cyberpsycho the whole time you were doin' it all for me?

[ And it's not exactly hard to imagine what that must've felt like. ]

You were scared of me.

V.

You kill people for a living. And you're fucking good at it. You without the empathy and care is scary.

Jesus.

[ It's more a pained murmur than anything else.

Problem is, while he would rather die than lay a finger on Kerry, he can't promise that it'd never happen again. He can feel hot, salty tears start to burn at his tear ducts. ]

Don't know how to make this better, Ker. I don't want you to be scared to be around me. Ever.

I don't-- what do ya need me to do to make this right? I'll do it. I'll do anythin'.

Fuck.

You sound real pathetic right now.

You home?

Yeah. Johnny found me in some abandoned warehouse. Chip's back in my head... I just...

[ He doesn't know what to do about everybody he's hurt, and all the damage he caused. What he needs is sleep, desperately, but there's too much to think about. ]

I'm sorry I hurt you. I hate it, hate this. Knowin' how scared you musta been.

I'm coming home.

Don't go anywhere.

[ Whenever Kerry shows up, he'll find V at the side of the bed, but by this point he's just sat on the floor. He's too tired to sit up without some kind of support at his back.

And yeah, he looks as pathetic as he sounded. ]

[When Kerry comes into the room he smells like pot, or whatever this world has that is close to it. He sighs and sets his guitar case down before moving closer.]

Well, you look like shit...

[ It might seem like V starts crying because of what Kerry said, but the reality is that he's so fucking glad to see the man, and that combined with how deep his guilt runs is too much to handle. It's only been a couple of hours since Johnny shoved the chip back in his head. But with it came all the memories he was missing before, post-Mikoshi, and on top of that, all the memories from the past two weeks with the added benefit of empathy to understand what he's done. ]

[Kerry moves quickly then to sit next to V and hold out his arm for V to move closer. He wants V to know that he really is here and will comfort V as much as he can.]

Come here.

[ The invitation to move in closer is met with brief hesitation, like V's really having to think about if this is actually okay. Does Kerry want to do this? Or does he feel like he has to? Is he still scared?

Eventually he just doesn't have the willpower to not bury his face into Kerry's shoulder, arm reaching over to haphazardly wrap around his neck. And unlike last time, everything that contributes to Synchrony is there, where it should be. It's overwhelming, warmth filling places that had until now felt so hollow and cold. ]

[The tension that Kerry's holding in his chest releases as he can feel V again. Now he can focus on worry and healing, instead of being scared that V will snap and hurt people. He breathes in V's scent and then turns his neck to kiss the side of V's head.]

There you are.

I hurt so many people.

[ It's murmured into the fabric of Kerry's shirt, a guilty confession that's probably not all that much of a surprise at all. Where they are on the floor, V doesn't think he's even got it in him to get up. Everything's caught up to him; what he said, what he did, who he hurt. ]

I hurt you. Ker, 'm so sorry. I'm so fuckin' sorry.

[Kerry just sits with V and lets him speak. He does reach up to rub V's back to show him that he's here and he isn't angry.

All he really feels is worry.]

You weren't in yer right mind.

Doesn't matter. Still happened.

[ This is the part that V's struggling with the most. The memories are his; he knows they are. He just doesn't recognize a single part of them as things he'd ever want to do. And who paid the price? The people he cares about the most. ]

Just 'cause I never would've done any of it if I hadn't had the chip klepped outta my head... it still happened. You still got those memories in your head. I already caused that trauma.

You don't even get close to the reward for the most shitty of my inputs, V. Don't worry 'bout me, okay? Let me worry 'bout you instead.

'course I worry 'bout ya.

[ He's always thought of himself as Kerry's defender. A wall between him and whatever and whoever the fuck's out there that doesn't wish him well. But now? He can't stop thinking about what if's. What if it happens again? What if something worse happens? What if he can't control himself and the one person he really needs to defend Kerry from is himself? ]

And nothin' is gonna make me stop short'a... [ Well, what happened. He trails off and doesn't say the obvious end to that sentence. ]

I know... [Kerry mutters softly. He kisses V's head again.]

Babe, I can feel how worn down ya are. Let's get into bed, 'lright? I'll use some of my world-class cuddlin' skills until we both pass the fuck out.

IC Contact for noctiumrp

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