secondconflict | IC Contact for noctiumrp

[Kerry just sits with V and lets him speak. He does reach up to rub V's back to show him that he's here and he isn't angry.

All he really feels is worry.]

You weren't in yer right mind.

Doesn't matter. Still happened.

[ This is the part that V's struggling with the most. The memories are his; he knows they are. He just doesn't recognize a single part of them as things he'd ever want to do. And who paid the price? The people he cares about the most. ]

Just 'cause I never would've done any of it if I hadn't had the chip klepped outta my head... it still happened. You still got those memories in your head. I already caused that trauma.

You don't even get close to the reward for the most shitty of my inputs, V. Don't worry 'bout me, okay? Let me worry 'bout you instead.

'course I worry 'bout ya.

[ He's always thought of himself as Kerry's defender. A wall between him and whatever and whoever the fuck's out there that doesn't wish him well. But now? He can't stop thinking about what if's. What if it happens again? What if something worse happens? What if he can't control himself and the one person he really needs to defend Kerry from is himself? ]

And nothin' is gonna make me stop short'a... [ Well, what happened. He trails off and doesn't say the obvious end to that sentence. ]

I know... [Kerry mutters softly. He kisses V's head again.]

Babe, I can feel how worn down ya are. Let's get into bed, 'lright? I'll use some of my world-class cuddlin' skills until we both pass the fuck out.

I gotta... no, I gotta apologize. To everybody I hurt.

[ It's not exactly realistic. Outside of the people he actually knows personally, there's countless people he fought in the various bars and clubs in the Ruby Underground. And he really sounds exhausted, bordering on sounding drunk with how tired he is. ]

Vincent's not even readin' my messages. I fuckin' hit 'im. Told 'im he was jus' like everybody else.

[Kerry winces at that idea. He's come to adore Vincent too, even without all of the memories of a V with his face.]

Okay... Well, with that one I'll help ya. Talk to him first?

[ Gaze dropping to the floor as he finally sits back, side of the bed against his shoulder blades, he shakes his head slowly. He knows he's got to approach this himself. If Vincent doesn't want to talk to him, he's not going to complicate things by pulling Ker into the middle of it all too. It wouldn't be fair to either Ker or Vincent. ]

Thanks, but... you know I gotta talk to 'im myself.

'm such a fuckin' gonk.

What 'xactly happened? I know it comes down to the chip but... What the fuck went wrong with it?

[ It's a fair question, V knows it is. Kerry deserves to know, it's just all still raw. Without knowing the context of why he'd felt so full of fear, today's the first day he's had a chance to start processing what's actually happened. Fingers reaching out, he snags Kerry's hand and pulls it into his lap. Easier to look at it instead of having to look up. ]

Night I went out with Vincent 'n V... for our birthday...

Prob'ly drank more than I should've. [ Playing with one of the rings on Kerry's fingers to distract himself, his jaw tightens a little at the memory. ] I left 'em at the bar 'cause I wanted to come find ya. [ He very clearly remembers thinking about eating cake off of Kerry while he was walking back. ] 'cept I got jumped 'fore I even left the Ruby Underground. Turns out some gangers found out the chip's got some value to it. A lot of value to it. And considerin' how fucked I was, guess I was the easiest target that night.

[ Frowning, he can't help but relive the moment he realized what the gangers had him pinned on the ground for. What they were planning on doing. ]

I was screamin' at 'em not to do it 'til they shut me up. All I knew was if they took it, I'd be done. Dead. Gone. Wasn't gonna see ya, not anybody, again. I was buzzed, too buzzed to take that many of 'em on. So they took it outta my head, left me in some alley. I don't know. Johnny said there's security footage of it. Don't think I wanna see it.

What showed up here few days after that was me. Just... me 'thout a neural network that worked like it did before. It broke somethin'. Ker, I barely felt anythin' when I saw ya last. It just didn't... I couldn't get to it. Didn't even know somethin' was missin'. All I could feel was this... rage 'bout somethin'. And scared. Fuckin' scared o' somethin' followin' me. I was so fuckin' convinced you were all against me. It felt so real.

Shit...

[The idea of V being so lost was heartbreaking. Kerry also felt guilt for being so wrapped up in his own fear to be of any real help. At least Johnny had been able to get V back to himself.

It really does sound like something close to cyberpsychosis too, which means the chip is once again fucking over V's life.]

Is it weird that I fuckin' hate that thing in your head, even though without it we wouldn't have met? Can't imagine my life without you now, but still wish you never cause to stick that fuckin' thing inside of your skull.

[ V understands the sentiment deeply. He hates the chip with every fiber of his being, even moreso now. But at the same time, without it he'd never have met Johnny. And without Johnny being the connecting piece, he'd never have met Kerry.

It's fucked up, is what it is. But beside that, he's able to appreciate Kerry's view. Mostly, that Kerry loves him so much he'd rather they hadn't met if it'd given him a shot at not having his life fucked up this much by the relic. Exhaling a sigh, he closes both hands around Kerry's still in his lap and squeezes gently. ]

There's so many ways it coulda worked out different. But it didn't. Don't got a choice except to work with what I got, chip 'n all. 'm lucky that I got all that I do. Can't imagine tryin' to live 'thout ya.

[ He knew that before, but now that he's got the memories back of all those days and nights Kerry was with him, of all the things Kerry tried to make an avenue of possibility to find some kind of cure for him. ]

When Johnny put the chip back in, I jus' switched off. Everythin' just... powered down. When I woke up again I remembered all the things after Mikoshi. Musta reorganized shit in my head, I don't know. But I remember you, 'n everythin' you did tryin' to help me. The days I felt so sick I couldn't get outta bed. Watchin' shit on the couch with you. The balcony, 'fore I left for the Crystal Palace.

When I asked ya to make me rice, last time I saw ya here... I don't know if that was some subconscious way I was tryin' to find somethin' that'd comfort me. Maybe. My brain was fucked, 'cept all I wanted was that rice. And now I realize you used to make it for me, back home.

[Kerry's whole heart aches at hearing this. He had been wanting V to remember their life so deeply that finding out that he has is a huge relief, but the way he regained those memories is so miserable and fucked.

It's just like the chip and their relationship. Something beautiful out of something horrifying. He sighs and realizes he'll have to figure out how to cope with that later.

Maybe even much later.]

You know, when I touched ya and all I felt was nothin'... I was so fucking scared. I kept thinkin' about stories of folks who go crazy and kill their families, but also about how most o' 'em end up in the morgue. I kept thinking, what if I told someone and they thought the only way to deal with ya was to put you down.

Ker...

[ Breath hitching with the emotion that wells up inside him, emotion that's been missing for too fucking long, V's expression crumples. This is one of the hardest conversations he's ever had to have. To know that he scared his mainline that much, that he isolated him into silence. ]

I don't wanna die. 'm not done yet. But... if there's no other way, the second I'm an out of control danger to anybody else I need to be put down. 'd rather be dead than hurt ya, or anybody else.

Yeah, I know that. That's why I didn't tell the other two yous 'bout it.

[He couldn't trust that they wouldn't jump to killing his V.]

I'm selfish. I'd rather you still be alive.

[ Back in their version of the world, all the gigs from Regina he got were dealt with delicately. Seemed fucked up to be zeroing cyberpsychos when not only was there a chance they might be able to recover, but because along the way he learned about some of the shit those people'd been put through. So he'd opted to knock them out instead, wait for them to be extracted by Regina's people. Maybe he'd been too optimistic clinging on to the idea that there was salvation for these people, somehow.

Now, though. Fuck, now he's wondering how those people feel. Knowing what they did, how much damage they caused, how many people they'd killed. And while it might not've been their fault, he's not sure that would've made a difference to them either. It's a stark, raw kind of feeling way after the fact. ]

Even if I couldn't live with myself after?

Didn't say I was thinkin' very far ahead...

[He admits quietly. It doesn't really convey the way he had worried and waited to hear the worst had happened. If he had been a braver, better sort of person, maybe he would have done more.]

[ The fact they even need to have this conversation is a stark reminder of where they came from. Night City's harsh; a city that'd sooner chew people up never to be seen again than offer them some kind of life to live.

Reaching up, V's fingers slide around Kerry's cheek, frame his jaw. Drawing their foreheads together, he doesn't say anything at all. What he feels is a jumble of emotions; the ache of guilt, the wound of trauma, the unextinguished blaze that's his love for Kerry. ]

Thanks. For tryin' to protect me the only way I left ya to be able to.

[Kerry lets himself settle into this moment of touching V. He can feel his own mix of conflicted emotions and thanks to their connection, he can feel V's too. This isn't something to enjoy so much as to accept and live with. He wants to choose to be with V and so he is.]

Yeah... Well, now you remember the life we had together. That's worth somethin', isn't it?

'course it is.

[ Brushing his fingers down the side of Kerry's neck, over skin and chrome, it eventually comes to rest at his shoulder. These hands that'd done so much harm, so much damage, one perched lightly, gently, on his mainline's shoulder. ]

Why'd you think I came back? From Mikoshi, I mean. Wasn't done livin'. Couldn't leave you 'n our life behind. If I got choice 'm always comin' back, Ker.

Good.

[Kerry says with some finality in his voice. That's what matters most to him, that V will choose him as long as he has that choice.]

[ Inhaling deeply, V's eyes flutter closed, the enormity of all the feelings and memories back in his head where they belong coupled with how little he's eaten or slept in the past couple of weeks are getting to him. Spending an extended period of time on the edge of a precipice of terror, fear, paranoia... it leaves behind a huge energy debt. And in those two weeks he made no Manna, couldn't access the part of himself that made Synchrony possible.

He feels raw, exposed and like he's still got so much to apologize for. But his head slides across Kerry's temple eventually resting against the other man's neck. ]

'm gonna make this right. Whatever it takes.

I know ya are.

[He rubs V's back gently, trying to soothe him.]

Right now, you're gonna get up on this bed, though. And you're gonna sleep while I hold ya and then when you wake up we'll take a shower together and eat somethin' and maybe drink some coffee.

Then you can tackle figurin' a way to do that.

[ Today seems to be about taking the good advice from the people he knows are just trying to look out for him, who still care about him despite what he's said or done to them. ]

Yeah.

[ Surrendering himself to that better idea, he goes with it, the hesitation only because he's trying to figure out how to get the fuck up when his legs feel this weak. Cyberware's more than useful, saved his life more than once, but if he doesn't got the energy to make it work properly it's useless. ]

Okay.

[ Time to stop stalling and try standing. Gripping the covers on the bed with an outstretched hand, it's a little like watching Bambi on ice. He should probably take care of the mess his back is in from falling through the upper floor back at the warehouse, but getting on the bed is his one and only goal right now. Something he eventually manages and probably with more than a little help from Kerry. ]

[Kerry helps where he can. He focuses on making sure that V is lying down and then stretches his own body out. Usually, he'd change into something comfortable to sleep in, but for now, that seems like too much work.

Instead, he tugs off his clothes and then climbs into bed after V in just his underwear. Then he focuses on arranging their blankets so that they can lie close to one another.

The last time he had been in this room he had left feeling like a cheap whore, but now he just feels worried and exhausted. He hadn't slept very much at all since he left this room the last time, too wrapped up in his anxiety and loneliness.

As he adjusts the bed for them to sleep next to each other, he admits to some of that.]

Missed sleepin' with ya. Do it back home just fine when you're workin' but I've gotten used to bein' with you most nights here. Tryin' to do it the last couple weeks...

Fuckin' sucked.

IC Contact for noctiumrp

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